Musings of a Mad Man

Reflecting on reflections

I’m the first to admit that daydreaming is a bad thing. Or at least it it in my case. I get lost in thoughts, which get lost in tangents, which get list in contemplations, which get just get lost. Of course, most of this happens very fast but that’s not to say that it’s useful. It’s just that I think fast in many directions and meander casually through the ins and outs of my mind. Whilst this is brilliant for creativity, it’s not so useful outside of that. Especially when it comes to psycho-analysing my own actions.

I like to help people. It’s just what I do and (as far as I can tell) I’m damn good at it. However, when I have my little debrief sessions in my head, it causes me to reflect on my own situation. My life is an interesting one. I’m generally a VERY busy person (where almost every hour of everyday is taken up by work, Scouts, dance, or something else that I deem important enough to devote my time to) yet I find that it’s still not enough. When will I come to my own happiness? That’s not to say that I’m not happy with what I have already. I’m merely saying that there are some simple pleasures in life that I don’t get to experience on a day-to-day basis.

For example, my relationship status seems to always be ‘Single’. Having only had two partners in my life, not to mention being very selective about the calibre of a partner, I don’t get to enjoy that feeling when you come home and there is someone there waiting for you. I don’t get to enjoy that feeling of falling asleep with the one you love lying beside you. I don’t get the joy of having the worst day in the world melt away a the warm embrace of one’s lover. Instead I come home to an quiet house, an empty bed, and housework or TV. Now, I don’t mind being single but I would love to have some of those simple pleasures. And believe me, it’s not like I’m not looking, it’s just that no one seems to want me.

I need no sympathy over this, though. I am merely stating how I feel. And yes, I do realise that’s not true, that there are people who love me for me and that one day the right one will come along and it will be amazing. But there is always the great ‘What If’. What if I never find that? What if I wind up alone with thousands of books and stacks of papers from 50 years ago as my only companions? What if I’ve missed my chance? What if there is no one out there for me? It’s amongst these thoughts that I begin to panic and become aware of my own immortality but also my own needs and desires, and how little I tend to address them. But in that, my experiences show me that every time I try, I fail and just feel worse than before! Argh, what a vicious cycle that can turn into! It’s generally at this point I have to check out of my own conversation and start thinking of something lighter, or burst into tears (not always a practical option!)

So for the moment, I’m going to stay content with the little sanity I have left and keep on keeping on. These musings will continue on for me but I suppose it just depends on how one deals with them rather than the actual ins and outs of how they arose.